Hi everyone,
Well I know that there arent many people following my blog, but heck I just want to write stuff and put my mind off the things I went trough..
Anyways, in my last blog entry I told you about my broken relationship, well its been 2 months now and not much has changed. Only the dreams are gone (luckily!). In the first month I had lots of nightmares about her and her with her girlfriend (before ex) now. I hated it! And after I deleted almost everything from her I saw a new picture of her on facebook and she was wearing her new girlfriend's necklace... YES SHE KEPT IT..Ugh, the thought of it just makes me still soooo fucking angry! Ah well, she never cared about how I would feel about this right..
Enough ranting~ ..Lately I've been watching movies over and over again, yes I just love to do that because I'm awesome as that :P lol. And the last movie I watched was "cruel intention" . And there is one part in the movie about the diary he carried with him. I quoted the things he said in the letter -->
" Dear Annette, I don't know what I could possibly say that would rectify the harm I've caused you. The truth of the matter is that being with you was the only time I have ever been happy. My whole life has been a joke. I prided myself on taking joy in others' misery. Well, it finally backfired. I succeed in hurting the first person I ever loved. Enclosed is my most prized possession. My journal. For a long time I considered it my trophy. A sordid collection of my conquests. If you really want to know the truth than please read it. No more lies. Please give me another chance. I'm a wreck without you."
So this gave me an idea...I want to write my ex a letter, but not sending her one, just write it down... Okay, here it goes.
Dear L,
Remember the first time we first met? Well..for me It was like I saw light shining trough darkness again. Before I met you, I've been into depressions and love hurt. Not quite the thing you wanted, but still you chose for me. You wanted to stay with me, you showd me love again. And you pulled me trough it! Your shining blue eyes that pierced trough my soul made me feel happy again. And for the first time in years I felt tears of happyness again.
Do you remember the first time you told me that you loved me? Well, I can! It was at my place. You were outside on the balcony smoking. It was 2 am and I was lying on my bed being sad. Then not expected, you whispered "I love you" to me. My tears began to run and I felt really happy. Yes those were my most precious memories of you and me together.
A lot of things happened after that, we've been trough a lot of pain and misery, but we also made a lot of fun and happy times! Yes we were a good couple. I still cant believe it actually. Also my biggest mistake ever, is that I introduced you to your ex girlfriend.. Never ever I will make the same mistake again! Yes that was something I did out of love, because I cared for you. Because I loved you and didnt want to see you sad. And this is the way you thank me? Backstabbing me.. hurt me.. I did everything for you and this is my payment. Well.. you can say, Karma is a bitch right? Then, I have lots of karma to endure.. Karma has been following me for years, not leaving me alone. It'll come If I finally find happyness again. Then It backstabs me.. and then let me be sad on my own.. I just dont know.. I just dont know what to write anymore. I wish I could tell you how much I'm hurt.. But still..I cannot hate you? I still love you, somewhere deep in my heart I still care for you. Yeah 3 years of my fucking life, in 3 years I gave everything I had. Its now gone, somewhere in the trashbin, or somewhere burried in the grounds...
Yes you succeeded in hurting the one person you really loved. Although I could wish you to feel the same thing I felt, I'm not wishing you that. I hope you can be happy somehow and that I can forgive you somewhere far in the future... But for now, I cant..
Good luck in your life and in your journy to find happyness. I wish you the best.
Your sincerely,
N.
马克斯~
