A letter

Dear sweet angel girl,

I'm not a guy who knows how to win your heart neither am I a perfect wonder. All I know is that I'm sincere and willing to work hard for you. I remember when the first time I actually set my eyes on you; you've captured all my soul. Your smile and ways you put things into passion impressed me. I'll remember that day forever. I always remember each detail happened every time we meet.

Sometimes I'm kind of scared to think of you because your heart tells me that we're impossible. I've tried many ways to forget you, but I just can't. But the more I have tried, the feeling became stronger each day because I know I'm serious about you. When you're not around, I feel sad, lonely and worried. I feel like I'm loosing something important.

Even if you would choose to just stay friends, I would wait for you. I would take care of you, like I always did. You mean the universe to me. I'll never forget your beautiful smile and face..

The first time I set my eyes on you, I didn't realise you might be the one I would fall in love to.

I saw you on a day, but did you see me?
And if you did, would you even admit to it?
How much longer must I deny this feeling I have?
I cannot anymore, and I know in my heart that I do love you.

I believe that you feel the same for me too,
but until you tell me, what can I do?
Are all my efforts to reach you in vain?
Should I stop loving you?

I guess, I can't.
I'll wait for you, even though it can take for eternity..

I love you..

Yours,

Mike

Here without you

How to start this after a few months not typing on this blog. Well thats easy.. I just start ranting and ranting.

Lately I've been trough many shit. The weekend of this abunai convention I met a lot of nice people and remet all of my good friends. It was fun, but very tiredsome at the same time. Friday was awesome! I've been partying like crazy and just did my own things. Saturday I had a bit of a hangover that day, but it was also fun...The only thing is...My fricking ex girlfriend e-mailed me about her coming on the sunday with of course her girlfriend. I freaked out and after this everything just gotten worse and worse. How to say this.. I just didnt want to see her. She kind of ruined everything for me that day. I havent even been to the acts I wanted to go. I never missed those. That day was just weird. And then the evening. I wanted to have some fun with a friend of mine who slept in my hotelroom. Well the beginning was fun, but after that she remet with her ex girlfriend and everything went strange after that... We were at the disco and had lots of fun, after that we went to my room to continue the party over there. And we did...but it was strange... The guy who went with us is like loved by lots of girls and the ex girlfriend of my friend wanted to stay also. So the night went from -->; PARTY HARDY to --->; Almost sex in my room.. Now everybody is calling out that we had an orgy over there. Well if we had one , then It would be totally akward right. It was weird. I felt awkward, especially because I missed these kind of things with my ex girlfriend, and ofcourse because I havent been doing this shit for more then 7 years. So I was scared for sure. Anyways that was the saturday, pretty weird and hectic. Now the sunday... Yup the sunday.. How was my sunday. She came alright. When I saw her, my heart went totally crazy, I didnt know what to do. She walked towards me and my heart went totally crazy, it was like that moment I almost fainted.. Weird it was.. I still dont know how to describe this feeling in words, but It was weird.. Anyways, I told her to come with me to a place further away from the crowed. And we talked... we talked about everything.. And how much I've missed her, how much she still meant for me. How much I still love her... Ugh the irony of love. Cant someone just shoot the love away? Or just shoot me... I hate this feeling. I fucking hate the feeling of falling in love and being betrayed and falling in love over and over again. Even falling in love with the wrong persons. I really hate it!

Hows it going now...

Hi everyone,

Well I know that there arent many people following my blog, but heck I just want to write stuff and put my mind off the things I went trough..

Anyways, in my last blog entry I told you about my broken relationship, well its been 2 months now and not much has changed. Only the dreams are gone (luckily!). In the first month I had lots of nightmares about her and her with her girlfriend (before ex) now. I hated it! And after I deleted almost everything from her I saw a new picture of her on facebook and she was wearing her new girlfriend's necklace... YES SHE KEPT IT..Ugh, the thought of it just makes me still soooo fucking angry! Ah well, she never cared about how I would feel about this right..

Enough ranting~ ..Lately I've been watching movies over and over again, yes I just love to do that because I'm awesome as that :P lol. And the last movie I watched was "cruel intention" . And there is one part in the movie about the diary he carried with him. I quoted the things he said in the letter -->



" Dear Annette, I don't know what I could possibly say that would rectify the harm I've caused you. The truth of the matter is that being with you was the only time I have ever been happy. My whole life has been a joke. I prided myself on taking joy in others' misery. Well, it finally backfired. I succeed in hurting the first person I ever loved. Enclosed is my most prized possession. My journal. For a long time I considered it my trophy. A sordid collection of my conquests. If you really want to know the truth than please read it. No more lies. Please give me another chance. I'm a wreck without you."

So this gave me an idea...I want to write my ex a letter, but not sending her one, just write it down... Okay, here it goes.


Dear L,

Remember the first time we first met? Well..for me It was like I saw light shining trough darkness again. Before I met you, I've been into depressions and love hurt. Not quite the thing you wanted, but still you chose for me. You wanted to stay with me, you showd me love again. And you pulled me trough it! Your shining blue eyes that pierced trough my soul made me feel happy again. And for the first time in years I felt tears of happyness again.

Do you remember the first time you told me that you loved me? Well, I can! It was at my place. You were outside on the balcony smoking. It was 2 am and I was lying on my bed being sad. Then not expected, you whispered "I love you" to me. My tears began to run and I felt really happy. Yes those were my most precious memories of you and me together.

A lot of things happened after that, we've been trough a lot of pain and misery, but we also made a lot of fun and happy times! Yes we were a good couple. I still cant believe it actually. Also my biggest mistake ever, is that I introduced you to your ex girlfriend.. Never ever I will make the same mistake again! Yes that was something I did out of love, because I cared for you. Because I loved you and didnt want to see you sad. And this is the way you thank me? Backstabbing me.. hurt me.. I did everything for you and this is my payment. Well.. you can say, Karma is a bitch right? Then, I have lots of karma to endure.. Karma has been following me for years, not leaving me alone. It'll come If I finally find happyness again. Then It backstabs me.. and then let me be sad on my own.. I just dont know.. I just dont know what to write anymore. I wish I could tell you how much I'm hurt.. But still..I cannot hate you? I still love you, somewhere deep in my heart I still care for you. Yeah 3 years of my fucking life, in 3 years I gave everything I had. Its now gone, somewhere in the trashbin, or somewhere burried in the grounds...

Yes you succeeded in hurting the one person you really loved. Although I could wish you to feel the same thing I felt, I'm not wishing you that. I hope you can be happy somehow and that I can forgive you somewhere far in the future... But for now, I cant..

Good luck in your life and in your journy to find happyness. I wish you the best.

Your sincerely,

N.

马克斯~

Things ranting and so on~

Hey there all,

A lot happend lately. First, my girlfriend broke up with me after almost 3 years we've been dating... Yeah, then how am I supposed to think happy now? I know right.. Well at first I had some difficulties and I knew that it would be lots of work to stay friends with her. But the problem now is.. She's dating her ex!! She totally backstabbed me with this. She knew I would have problems with this all. Yes, so I decided to quit the contact we had and deleted everything that reminded me of her >__>". Still dealing with this..

Nothing much to say actually... The positive thing in life now is that I finally graduated from that damn school! Now up to the future. Oh and I made lots of new friends too ^__^.

-rant rant ranting-

This is a quote from a movie "17 again".... I thought of this when I wished things were different, that I'm still dating my ex..But yeah thats life I guess

"Scarlet, before you go through this, I want to remind you of September 7th, 1988. It was the first time that I saw you. You were reading Less Than Zero, and you were wearing a Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt. I'd never seen anything so perfect. I remember thinking that I had to have you or I'd die... then you whispered that you loved me at the homecoming dance, and I felt so peaceful... and safe... because I knew that no matter what happened, from that day on, nothing can ever be that bad... because I had you. And then I, uh... I grew up and I lost my way. And I blamed you for my failures. And I know that you think you have to do this today... but I don't want you to. But I guess... if I love you, I should let you move on."

Especially the last line, It made me think of her. I guess if you really love someone, you have to let them go and let them be truely happy. Well thats what I'm trying to do now, to let go of her. I did with my body, but not with my heart and soul. And thats the reaon why I'm still in such a pain and anger. Hope after a few months or so I will be happy again and let her go.

I still miss and love you...

You, were my one and only.

But for now,

Goodbye......

马克斯~