Decisions

I really wonder why I try to do so much. I thought that things got easier the older I got. Well how wrong I was. Nothing got easier. Not my life anyways.

Suicide;
Last time I tried I was about the age of 14. I didn't do it though. I never tried. I was scared and young. That day went by so fast but I managed. Almost 10 years later I tried once again. I didn't succeed. My friend rescued me. I tried to overdose myself with pills and alcohol. I stopped but it still damaged my life.

Now five years after the last time...I have these thoughts again. How do I manage to survive this time!? The pain is there. I can't even go trough the day without the single thought of worthlessness. Yes that's how I feel.. I feel worthless. Always have been feeling this way.

Well I'll try to get out of this one too. I'm in therapy, although it'll take a long time until I get better.

Life

Hi all~

Wow has it been two years already since I last posted on this blog? The strange thing is that I keep coming back, no matter how long it has been.

A lot of things has changed over the years. I started a new study once again. Unfortunately I couldn't continue with this one, because I didn't have a job anymore. I stopped and looked for a new job. Eventually I found something and I'm still working for the same company right now.

My step grandma passed away last year on 11august. I wasn't really sad at that time...but I did feel some bad moments coming back so now and then. I do miss her. But I also miss more
 I've been missing my dad a lot too, and my Thai grandma.

At the moment I suffer from up and downs kind of depression. Though I am not depressed I do have a personality disorder. I can't help it but I do feel the kick of the disorder.

It also explain why I chose to do things especially in love relationship. I truly hate this side of me. But they keep saying that I have to accept the fact that I have troubles with my relationship.

There is a quote from Linkin Park that keeps repeating in my mind "who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of the million stars" Sometimes I really wonder what will happen if this happened to me. Will they really care like they said they do? It makes me sad to think that eventually it all doesn't matter anymore.

Well...I am tired..I had to write this off my chest. I'll try to write more often on this blog. Maybe it'll help me deal with my feelings.

Have a good day/night~